Mother and father: what’s the difference?
Dad can take care of children no worse mom. What then his special role in the life of a child? Do parents need to share rigor and tenderness, authority and custody? Let’s try to figure it out.
Perhaps we no longer surprise us that men are present during childbirth, get up to the crying infant at night, change the diapers, feed from the bottle, bathe, and when the child is growing up, tell him tales for the night, check the lessons and go to doctors.
The modern family is unlike the one in which we grew up, not to mention our parents, grandmothers and grandfathers. Role distribution has become more flexible. Women are shipped to work no less, and sometimes more men, but this is not the only reason why their husbands have become more active to engage in children.
Many modern fathers want not just to continue their genus, but also be closer to children, build confidence, emotional relations with them.
It seems that it is time to revise the functions of mother and father, especially their role in the mental development of the child. Yes, century ago, when the model of the patriarchal family was still unshakable, the founder of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud had every reason to clearly divide the maternal and paternal functions.
And today in psychoanalysis, the mother is identified with the association, it is she "responsible" for the spiritual equilibrium of the child. Father embodies the law. Thanks to him, the child is separated from the mother and learns the rules of life in society, among other people.
But now, when many fathers are engaged in care from the first days of the child’s life, and many mothers are growing children alone (and therefore the father’s functions are taken to themselves), whether the role proposed by Freud? Does his father still have a special place?
Between the ruler and buddy
Of course, and now not all fathers are ready to go with a pedestal. Authoritarian father, as in previous times, gives orders, dictates their rules to household, prohibits and permits, never explaining its motives.
However, such fathers are not easy – they conflict with our time. If only because the company established a new concept of education: she obliges parents to reckon with the desires of the child and respect his personality.
"There are public organizations that are trying to defend traditional roles in the family: the father – the owner and the breadthror, the mother is the keeper of the hearth, – comments on the family psychotherapist of Varvara Sidorov. – But their militant rhetoric says that in fact they are trying to deny reality ".
Other extremes: Fathers – the friends of their children who communicate with them on an equal footing, as if ignoring generation differences. They are always ready to distract the child from the lessons or washing the dishes to make sure. But education is not their concern.
If for fathers-traditionalist hierarchy in the family – the main thing, then for fathers, it does not exist at all.
"Such a lack of distance does not go to the child benefit to the child, – emphasizes psychoanalytic psychotherapist Svetlana Fedorova. – Adults and children are fundamentally unequal, and for the child it is very important to take the associated limitations.
The difference between generations and restrictions – these concepts are fundamental for education. They are building the ability to respect other people, recognize the differences between them and strive for something more. But if the father himself does not know personal borders, he can not give an idea about a child ".
Authoritarian fathers and father-friendly people have one common feature – "They perceive the father’s role one-sidedly, – Patrick Araran psychoanalyst believes. – They do not know how to be flexible, manifest themselves in different ways, combine different qualities – hardness, tenderness, humor, ability to educate, transmit values, play ".
When the Father does not feel "in its place," it affects the relationships in a pair. If a man behaves like a boss, a woman feels that he denies her role in the family, and she also has to defend a child from arbitrariness. If the husband does not resemble the rules, then the woman lives with the feeling that in her family – some children who behave badly.
"A child in the meantime does not know who from his parents to rely on who to obey whose side to occupy in conflicts," concludes Patrick Avran.
"I know too well as a family for a person"
"When Masha was born, I already had 42. Honestly, Euphoria I did not experience. Rather confused – it was necessary to do something with this little creature, which in the first days I need a mother than dad … I had a difficult childhood. Early, Mom died, Father (Leonid Leonidov – Artist of the Leningrad Comedy Theater. – approx. Red.) I stayed with me alone.
Then a woman appeared in our house, the relationship with which I did not work out at all. For a while I lived in the boarding school, then with my father. He took me with him to the theater, then some aunt fell behind me, then I was in my own. Wild-growing baby. And only when I was eleven, the father married a woman who was able to replace my mother.
So I know too well how important the family is for a person. Now Masha Ten, Lena Six. I try to give them as much heat as possible. I am pleased to watch them play. Willingly distract from affairs if they have something important to me.
Now I teach Lenka to swim … but in general we live without whims and hysterics. I can not say that we are somehow especially engaged in education, everything happens by itself. Harmony and love in the family – this is the best upbringing ". Recorded Elena Gubaidullina
How does the father take his rightful place in the house, not turning into a tyrant, nor in Kidalt? After all, the fathers in any case are making complaints: they are too intrusive or too distant, too powerful or too weak, immature or oblique. All the time they need to match the high ideal of the father – the hero, defender and the Savior.
Each man is forced to compare herself with this unattainable ideal and inevitably experience disappointment. Despite this, today we see "new fathers" who are trying if not being perfect, then at least avoid extremes.
The media and the film industry simultaneously promote the "new paternity" and laugh at it, and this is natural: every new trend in culture is perceived by public opinion ambiguously, until it becomes finally.
In Western countries, no one surprises, when fathers take leave for newborn care. One of the leaders in this sense of Sweden, where such fathers are 90% *. In Russia, "maternity leave" for men is still rare, but it may be the only figure for which our "new fathers" is very lagging behind the Western. What distinguishes "new fathers"?
It’s not just that now they are included in the care of a child, barely born.
"Fathers today are not afraid to show warm feelings, be softer, gentle, affectionate, – says Svetlana Fedorova. – After all, in every man there is not only a male, but also the female part of the person, in each living inner child lives. And with whom, like not with children, you can relax and afford to yourself?"
In addition, increasingly the main instrument of paternal education becomes not an order, but a contract. But this leads to the fact that in a certain sense, the role of the father and the mother is blurred.
"Increasingly, parents share prestiges and emotions among themselves, – states a family psychotherapist. – Not only the Father is cautious for the child, but the mother establishes the rules and borders. If earlier the questions of the life of children outside the house solved the mainly father, now they can solve them in the same way. ".