Mother and sons why such love

Mothers and sons: why such love?

This connection intrigues with its strength and ambiguity. Neither the Association with the Oedipo, nor the classic image of an authoritarian mother is able to exhaust its secret. Exploring a phenomenon, listen to the stories of those who agreed to share with us with their feelings.

"I and in my thoughts did not look for a companion of life like a mother. But it turned out that after two unsuccessful marriages, I was finally married to a woman, and by the type, and by the nature of my mother, "the 40-year-old Sergey divides. "Mom, like a telepath, feels my problems at a distance. Slightly I’m wrong – she immediately calls, "says 21-year-old Igor. "I sometimes laugh at myself: like I’m already a big boy, the boss, I have more than 30 people in submission, and in difficult situations there is a desire to share with my mother," says 32-year-old Yaroslav.

It is worth thinking about the relationships of mothers and sons, how memory throws up a whole set of cliché. About the ediph complex, about the fact that the mother is the first woman in the life of a man that, becoming an adult, he will look for her features in women and that it will forever pursue the feeling of guilt in front of her mother … True, this is either myth, but the idea that Mother and Son’s relationships are special, firmly lives in our mind.

"Neither she, nor he doesn’t have anyone in this world who would love so much. This is almost physically tangible love, the edge, the limit of love, followed by something and the real … "- as the director Alexander Sokurov in annotations to his film" Mother and Son "describes this inspirence.

"All writers somehow lead in books a dialogue with their own mother: argue with her, prove their love or revenge on children’s resentment," says French psychoanalyst Jean-Bertrand Pontalis.

They are either crushed or enthusiasm started to idealize their mother. And what mothers? Many of them will never tell you that they love the son more than daughter. But the majority with obvious pleasure and pride talk about sons.

"I dreamed of my son and happy that fate presented it to me," says 39-year-old Natalia. – this is a novelty of sensations, because what is a growing girl, I already know so. I am more interesting to me, its horizons wider than the girls of his age, he is open to the world, which in the future he has to conquer ".

Hope and pride

"The impertons of the centuries, a woman who gave birth to his son, enjoyed special respect," the psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova says. – In the Novgorod Republic, for example, a widen mother who has elapsed son, possessed distinctive rights. In the our village, the boy’s mother had the prospect of getting a daughter-in-law under his beginning and at least at the late age to gain power and authority, which was deprived of when herself "went under the mother-in-law".

The expression "be proud of your child" in most societies related to sons: they had more social opportunities. Sons married – daughters attached. It was the son who was perceived as the heir of the surname, crafts, title, as a successor of the kind. From here, perhaps, the idea of ​​serving is the son. Finally, there was a pragmatic moment: in old age, the help and support of the mother provided the sons. The son was hope, pride and provided mothers social status.

"There is a lot of jokes in folklore in the folklore, in which the mother boasts the success of sons, – not a single lineal story about mothers and daughters," adds Ekaterina Mikhailov. But why a modern woman is still hard to part with the ideas of our ancestors?

Gosh Kutsenko – actor theater and cinema

Unfortunately, the Moms of the actor – Svetlana Vasilyevna – no alive for several years. They had a very close relationship, and even in adulthood the actor was strongly tied to her.

So Gosha Kutsenko spoke of his mother: "As a child, Mom defended me in front of the dad, which sometimes poured me with his subordinates and began to" build ". She was on my side – my wall, my roof, my sky. Dad was demanding – Mom gave a feeling of freedom. She always cared and worried about me. When I got into the army and we were sent by train to the military unit, my mother took the car and went after. She was the first one I saw on the platform on the transplant. Then I wrote her letters, she waited for me.

But the army, and then the theater Institute removed me from parents. I woke up in the 99th, when mom had problems with the heart. I felt that I should now take care of her, as she used to take care of me. And since then, more and more unfolded. She still tried to control me, and then I had to remind how long I am. But at the same time I tried to be restrained and patient. Very worried when she had a lot of health. In general, I am "Mamenkin Son".

So Svetlana Vasilyevna responded about the son: "Yura got it hard for me – I lay for eight months on the preservation. I didn’t care, boy will be born or a girl. The main thing – I madly loved my husband and really wanted to have a child. The first thought when I saw my son, it was: "Now I have two loved ones!True, honestly, in the foreground I always had a husband. Because of this, sometimes I feel remorse, although I adore Jura too.

When he grew, I knew about his life, everything was remembered: where he did. Between us, there was always an invisible connection, and so far we feel in a distance in heart. After his return from the army, I began to declare tenderness to. Maybe because he saw no boy in him, but a man. He calls me all his films, performances. Knows that I am a terrible critic, but listen to my comments. We are friends, he is very much about us with her husband cares. I am proud of them, primarily as a person – honest, sincere, open ".

What does it mean to grow a boy?

There is an opinion that boys are harder – it is more responsible and difficult. Is it really? "For the boy there is always another concern, behind him there is a different control," says Psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – But the Son, which is completely under control, from the point of view of the mother itself, some "wrong". Any reasonable mother understands that at some point he must say: "No", "I myself", "it does not concern you". And such a branch, independence and even protest are not just allowed – they are almost mandatory.

Another point: the boy is not obliged to be like a mother. That is, of course, he can inherit the features of her appearance or her ability, take her weakness. But in principle, another is a boy, as a creature of another sex, is also arranged and does not identify himself with his mother.

Probably so the mothers and sons are so interesting together. Their communication is often not limited to life, they have much likely than with girls, there may be conversations about the device of the world, about the books, about God … And if the son is asking a question for some serious topic, the mother does not stick out – she will answer seriously. Somewhere in the depths of the soul, she suspects that her ability to be a son interesting interlocutor is the key to the strength of their contact in the future. In this sense, the sons hold mothers in tone ".

The need for merger

If the woman tried to imagine that she was born out of the father’s abdominal, that for several months she was fed with milk from his breast, that he caressed her and that she bathed in the smells of his body, she could get an idea about what was going on in the soul of a boy.

Perhaps the "feature" of relations between the boy and the mother is due to the one of the initial merging with the parent body. The temptation to preserve the symbolic umbilical cord is great for both mother and son.

"Both of them are equally beyond the nostalgia on the monistic paradise of unity and harmony. He wants to return to the wonderful and sweet aroma of maternal depths, and she (again and again) – to be this wonderful and sweet aroma, "writes Milan Kunder about the relationship of mother and a teenage son.

"However, fantasies about the merger, about the ideal relationship, about the possession of the mother, more often arise when the role of the father in the child’s life is strongly understated, it is deformed, or it is generally absent," said Psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze.

"Well, when the Father loves and appreciate the mother," Psychologist Natalia Eviversikov agrees. – And his image (if a woman raises his son alone) is based on the best that was in this man. But more often in an incomplete family, the mother binds his hopes for the future with her son and painfully tied to the child. ".

Sergey, a 20-year-old student, grateful to his mother for the fact that she early let him go: "We have been together with my mother all the time. But in the 10th grade I switched to another school. She was so far from our house that I moved to my grandmother – and began to communicate a lot with my father. Both of them are not at all inclined. I got friends, and recently a girl. I still love mom, but I understand: I will stay with her, and I would live tied ".

To destroy the feeling of such a "fusion of the bodies", the child should understand that he is not a continuation of the body of the mother. "If he is not aware of this, then the risks all his life to feel his responsibility for what happens to her will always break between the desire to escape from it – and overly patronize," comments French psychoanalyst Serge Ephez.

Boy and only boy

Some women dream about to give birth to the boy. Why they choose such an object for their fantasies?

"The wording" I want a boy "(or a girl) involves some internal conflict from a woman," explains Tatyana Alavidze. – The need for a daughter can talk about the desire to "give birth to themselves again" and raise up the mistakes of his life, "reissue" the successful version of yourself and close relationship with your mother ..

The desire to give birth to a boy often arises from the need to change everything, for example, to realize himself in a male – more influential, free – hypostasis, embody the fantasy fantasy in reality ".

"If the presence of a membe and the opportunity to feel your usefulness for a woman – interdepending factors, then the birth of a boy becomes a way to feel intelligently, to feel your omnipotence, – said Serge Ephz. – But fortunately, most women objectively perceive the difference between the sexes and do not have such problems. ".

Love traps

Mother and sons why such love

"From birth and about three years old attitude to mother in a boy and girls are similar: she is the closest person, one who cares and protects," says Tatyana Alavidze. – But then the EDIPOV complex comes. A girl since that time draws his love for his father: "I will marry dad!»The boy is different: he continues to love his mother and competes with his father for her love".

Sons (especially the firstborn) in some sense satisfy the ambitions of women. But the lower the mother’s level of self-esteem, the more it is inclined to use the relationship with her son to strengthen it.

"But who so passionately loves such a woman in fact? Alas, she loves himself and protects her son from all the dangers of life because it is unconsciously afraid to lose this wonderful inner state of comfort and peace, "says Natalia Evsikov. Often Mothers use love for son in order to compensate for their love disappointments: he is the perfect man who will never betray! Here is love that will never pass!

"Sometimes it seems to me that the son appeared in my life only so that I learned: I can be loved," the 33-year-old Veronica admits.

"In this case, the relationship of mother and son can be viewed as a" psychological marriage, "explains Tatyana Alavidze. – Thus, a woman leaves his real problem – the inability to establish partnerships with an adult man ". As a result, she "closes" for itself a personal life, but also the personal life of the son becomes almost impossible.

"When a man is overly emotionally tied to the mother, he is no longer needed," Natalia Evshikov agrees. By the way, the second and the more over the third boy in the family the danger of choking maternal love threatens less.

"As a rule, the parents want a variety, and after the son they are waiting for her daughter. Therefore, if the first boy usually causes a feeling of delight, then in attitude to the following mother, the shade of disappointment is mixed: why not a girl? And their relationships are developing calmer, "Natalia Eviversikova notes.

Source of power … and disappointments

34-year-old Igor jokingly and a little indulgent tone tells: "I remember the eager remark of the younger sister:" If I hadn’t know that Igor would call you, I would decide that your name is "My Son". Huge pride, which Mom experienced for me, was strongly oppressed in adolescence. But now I understand that her enthusiastic love charged me with confidence in myself 10 lives ahead!"

Stamp 36 years old, he is a successful lawyer, believes that his career is largely merverity: "She always told:" You have a huge potential. Whatever way you choose, I believe that you have a big future ". Mom never pressed for me, but at the same time programmed to success. ".

However, the same Mark regretfully recognizes: "The problem is that I still have no family. I am waiting that women will love me just like mom, disinterested, and that I do not have to apply effort to deserve their love ". Not all the "adorable" sons, and not all the mother agree to this.

Believe in the child, but not to impose a certain path to him – this is the secret of real maternal love, which is becoming a source of power and self-confidence for Son.

Evgeny Kiselev – Tele- and radio

Relations with Mom Anna Georgievna Eugene were very warm, although they communicated not so often.

So the son spoke of his mother: "It is difficult for me to say how I treated my mother as a child, – my current perception obscures children’s memories. I’m afraid that Sovuu … Mom was mom … She surrounded me with tenderness, care was my "culturerer". At the same time, they and Pope were overly strict to me in everything that concerned my relationship with the outside world. I was so afraid of my parents, that I hid all my problems from them at school. Now I think that the parents tried to make me to prepare me for harsh Soviet reality, because then for any wrong step it was cruel to pay ..

But in general, the relationship with my mother is very personal. I’m closed. I can only say with pride that my mother is a wonderful person, intelligent to the brain of guests. Although it is difficult, sometimes even heavy. She has a striking property to see in people only good. She is 81, but she has a young girl’s voice. And internally she is also young. We are largely different people: I left the house at the age of 18 and 30 has lived separately from her. Of course, I devote it to her unforgivable little time. But I’m terribly pleased when mom comes to visit us and we live together for some time ".

So the mother responded about his son: "When I waited for a child, the doctors said that I would have a girl. And when a boy appeared on the world, I experienced, of course, very great surprise. But not at all was disappointed, this little man was so native! From the very first week I took it as my friend, all the time talking to him, he had such a thoughtful face ..

We are now friends. Listening to Zhenya on the radio, always think that he is a deep man knows his item well, it is perfect. It feels the pionerage, the originality that I very much appreciate in people. I am proud of them, but there is no maternal vanity in me. Always always in the soul lives anxiety for him. Therefore, it happens, I am angry when he does not ring. He is stripped by saying the words of Scripture, to his family, and there is practically no time on our communication. But it’s good that he has such a solid family, and now we still have a baby – my great-grandfather Georgy ".

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