"Mother inspires guilt before her"
I have a problem with my mother – she has long seen the victim and constantly trying to cause guilt in me. She has it very well. I will extremely rarely tell her no. I am 33 years old, but I have not spent a single new year without her (yes, a family holiday and all that). Even when my girlfriend and I went to celebrate it in a cafe, she still got rid of us. And then, going to leave home, demanded that I escort it, because she "does not know how do the doors open in my apartment". Doors, by the way, standard, she has exactly the same. Further more. Constant requirements: "And I thought you would come and I would put flowers / remove in the house / save the garden / negotiate about repair and t.NS.". Recently, the grandson has become practically demanding: "You give birth to me, and herself what you want to do".
But there is an important detail – she didn’t give me almost nothing in life. At school, I never care for me, apartments / cars did not give, elementary – at the turn of the clavicle did not insisted on the superimposition of gypsum. Yes and in general about my health practically did not care. I tried to talk to her why she makes me consider me to blame, but in response I received only: "You’re not like this mom again, but I was so bad today". At the same time in all situations I try to help her. We live in different cities. When she fell into the hospital (more than once), I worked on three works to keep her and myself. Tried to keep in tone, support. But when I broke my hand or lay in a hospital with allergies, when with a temperature of 39 or with a stretch of ligaments was at home and, accordingly, could not work, it never (!) I did not come to me.
How to stop feeling guilty?
As you really noticed, my mother is trying to cause guilt in you. What does it say about?
Feeling guilt – absolutely unnatural for man. It is formed by us only by education and manipulations from parents (often not realized and used so that the child becomes more convenient, because the parents do not always have a resource to withstand their own feelings and respond to them).
It is important to start with understanding: Mom behaves with you as it can, how, maybe her parents behaved with her. Everything that she does is aimed at getting love, which she has always lacked. Missing and now – and not because you spend a little time with her, but because in my own child she missed this. So the true reason is not in you, but in it and its interaction with their parents.
While she is not aware of this, it will always be not enough for what you do. And automatically it will be more and more manipulate you to close your inner wounds. It is important to understand this relationship, since now in your presentation is the dependence of the state of mom from what you do. But in fact you are here for nothing.
Since you have been manipulated since childhood, a bunch of a bundle arose: if you don’t do the way you want my mother, she is fading to love you. The fact is that for the psyche, early experiences are also relevant and in adulthood. But now you are already an adult and are able to give love to yourself in the form in which you lacked her from mom.
You are not aware of this and the fact that her love is no longer vital for you. Mentalically you live with an illusory idea that not to do the way Mom wants, it means to lose what is most important for you in life. And this idea seems unsafe because it pushes you to irrational actions.
Parents, unfortunately, do not teach their children that the only person, for whose feelings we are responsible – this is we ourselves. All emotions, reactions, experiences that arise from your mom, depend only on its experience, perception, its emotional injuries.
You are a separate personality from my mother. And are not responsible for her emotions and experiences, although you love my mother and are ready to take care. When you feel that you start acting under the feeling of guilt, – Return yourself to reality, explain to yourself that it is manipulation.
Do not try to prove my mother that she is not right, because it is unlikely that it will work out. But you can explain to her that you love and are ready to help whenever possible. When she is offended in response, it does not look like a child’s reaction, which is capricious and keeps his foot?
You can betray a more critical view of what is happening with you and separate your responsibility from the liability of Mom, having ceased to play a maternal role for her (after all, it seems that she lives the infantal idea that you must fulfill all her desires) and returning to the return of the daughter. You can remember your life and realize that your time is irretrievably going forward.
I think, then you will get less react to manipulations and gradually become a mature, self-sufficient, sustainable personality.