Why do men see that their wives are aging
Women tend to quite painfully perceive the external changes taking place with age. Whereas their satellites of life give out where less to change in the appearance of their chosen. What are the reasons for this contradiction?
The view of a woman in its reflection is often merciless. Their satellites of life are set up much tolerant to changes in the appearance of their girlfriends.
"You will be 82 years old. You have become lower than six centimeters, you weigh only 45 kilograms, and you are still beautiful, feminine and welcome. For the past 58 years, as we live together, and I love you even more than before ". These are lines from the last book "Letters to D. The story of one love "Philosopher Andre Highlander, addressed to his wife Dorin (she was younger than her husband for two years) *.
After reading them, there are a lot of women with incredulously shook their heads. After all, long before the onset of such a respectable age, many of them begin to look at their reflection in the mirror. They fear that the appearance of wrinkles and bags under the eyes or the fantastic chest will make them less attractive for the partner with whom they live for a long time.
Women are merciless to themselves when it comes to age-related changes. They seemed to be committed to always be seductive, beautiful and desirable.
"Every female time has its own beauty, but it is difficult to accept, – Psychotherapist reflects Viktor Kagan, working with the elderly. – Of course, not everyone perceive aging tragically, although they are worried, I think everything. To be attractive for a woman important at any age. I see it for those who for 70 and over 80 years old.
"In addition, society supports the insecurity of women in themselves, – adds psychotherapist Andrei Korneev, – imposing certain standards for them: how to look like a man appreciated it. This built the whole industry: countless cosmetic firms, plastic surgery clinics, fitness centers will flourish and bring revenues only if women will worry about their appearance. In essence, they exploit their natural fear of losing close relationship with their companion of life. Such social pressure enhances women’s anxiety and feeling of anxiety ".
Listen and wander? Try to calm down? Every man has its own method. And most of them know that attempts to console friends will be met with distrust.
"She is increasingly shy of himself," says 53-year-old Igor about his 47-year-old spouse. – I tell her that I like it and will always like, but I feel that it fails to dispel her doubts ".
They see loved ones in general
Women notice every gray hairs, every new wrinkle, complain about their rounded shapes … why they are so strict to themselves? This is not a coquetry at all – our experts are sure. See how melting external appeal, for a woman very hard. For her, this is a real narcissistic wound, because the body (in her representation) symbolizes its power. This thanks to him she learned to love himself and knew his sexuality.
"A woman to appreciate himself as a personality, confidence is needed that her body is attractive with its beauty," explains Psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto **. Noticing signs of aging, she feels that loses its value as a woman.
The paradox is that men in many cases really do not notice changes so depressing their wives, do not feel the whole strength of confusion that their companions are experiencing. At least do not give them much importance.
"The fact is that the relationship of relationships for a man is often more important than smooth skin or elasticing wife’s breasts," explains Andrei Korneev. – We are talking about stable, warm relationships, when each other’s partners understand well when they want to do something, take care of a friend – and this is a mature love ".
Love unites a couple, and the man perceives the beloved woman in general. So he may not remember what color was the blouse today in the morning.
In addition, let us remember the classics, "I can’t see face to face. In the daily marital life, men simply do not have a distance required for impartial surveillance. "I need to make a special effort to try to remember how the wife looked in the items ten years ago," says Andrei Korneev. – And I’m not sure that I will succeed. ". "Third-party look" appears only when the relationship has already been reserved and in the house there are two other people’s friends, "adds Viktor Kagan.
Men are changing too
Of course, love does not make a man blind. Considering the photo and video, he may noted how the woman has changed. But next to the picture, he himself 25 years ago – and where his beautiful chapelur and muscular torso? Their companions are aging – but the men themselves do not remain the same.
"Masha was a charming girl, now she is 59 years old, and she is a charming woman," says 62-year-old Boris. – She is still the same smile, and she is very charming. She had wrinkles, but they do not spoil her, it even seems to me that I aged more than she ".
70-year-old Yuri with tenderness talks about his wife and Rovenice Anna, with which they together 39 years.
"We both have changed, change – it’s in the order of things. That life we built together, and our shared plans for the future are the most valuable for me now. ". And after a pause, smiling, adds: "Her body has become different, but it is the same elegant. Changes in her appearance did not change my feelings, the need to see her and touch her ".
"A sexy attractiveness of a woman for a man over time develops into sexual attachment," Viktor Kagan clarifies.
Of course, with age, her body and appearance change, but the man becomes another, and he is in this report. For many of them, it is important how a woman belongs to themselves: cares or long waved his hand; Active or over the years, its world narrowed to the TV screen; Can be able to stay in something mysterious and be special for him.
"After the birth of the daughter, our first child, Lisa remains slim and light as a teenager. And now, after 16 years, we had a son. These births strongly changed her figure, but my feelings do not depend on it on the size of her waist. If it were so, I would cease to respect myself!"- divides 51-year-old Sergey.
"For some men, a suspicion of addiction to the cult of physical youth (including the ever-young female body) may even be offensive, – Commented on Psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – in love whether it is here or in a decisive rejection of a breaking stereotype ("gray in a beard" and the like) – not always clear. The unwillingness fit into the anecdotal image of an aging amateur of young women can be a strong motive for people applying for independence of thinking. Honest attitude and own physical form, which time does not spare, trusts the picture. ".
Women talk too much about it?
Staining Hair, Diet, Plastic Surgery … Age and Fighting Him For some women become a favorite conversation topic. How to react to it men? Turn on in the discussion? The opinions of our experts were divided.
"Avoid talking about what worries a woman – it means to ignore her feelings and strengthen fears," said Andrei Korneev. – But it should not be noted: "Stop grind nonsense". Openly and carefully answer all questions. A man can make a lot for a woman, if you say: "I love you". And the task of a woman is to believe him ".
Viktor Kagan offers a compromise: "Talk, of course … But not in words. Comfort, soothe, support – in trouble, at the funeral, and the movement of a woman in the age ladder is neither. Therefore, such consolations are perceived as "You, of course, a lot averaged, but do not be sad, I love you anyway".
Ekaterina Mikhailova categorically objects.
"It seems to me that the lung, and in fact, an indulgent attitude towards the physical aging of the girlfriend is explained by the factors that can lie outside the relationship of a couple, concrete men and women, – she reflects. – We are talking about the philosophy of life, the perception of time, the attitude to cultural standards, and for the thinking man, all this is more important for the "goose paws", the gray-ha. This is her grief, not him – therefore it is better to discuss them with a beautician, and not with her husband ".
Gleb, 56 years old, ten years live with Margarita, 57 years."Time unites us"
"I have not noticed for a long time that she changed. But she threaded me something: "Look at these wrinkles around the eyes. It is dishonest – tell me that you do not see them ". That is her anxiety allowed me to understand that she agitates. Now I celebrate her headaches, burning heat at night, feeling her fatigue and malaise … At the occurrence of menopause, her desire has greatly launched. And she more often asked me: "How can you desire me now?"
Sometimes she behaves like grumpy years of seventy. But it does not bother me. I know that at 70, her body will remain native and loved. Since we all have to be aware of, I, naturally, aged too. And it automatically combines us. When Rita tells me about his wrinkles and I feel in her words a certain coquetry, I do not support the game, I’m not talking about it and do not divide. But when I understand that she has a hard day that she is not in itself and she worries real, then I hug her and honestly say that it is beautiful. ".
Justice to note that women have reason to worry. Sneith at this age they leave her husband for the sake of a young man. The opposite examples when her husband goes to his wife or leaves for a young rival, everyone has hearing. But the reasons for such drams still lie deeper than it seems to many women.
"I don’t think that the vulnencement itself works by fading," says Viktor Kagan. – Rather, the dullness of monotonous and stereotypical or semi-stable relationships ".
The union with a man of a narcissistic type, for which the relationship is valuable, and a woman as a status attribute, notes Andrei Korneev. "The wife must be prestigious. And the man puts a lot in her appearance as a sign of her external success. And can not bear a "fading" wife. These men prefer to escape, leave their aging companion ". But, acquiring another spectacular symbol of its success, young beauty is near, they lose the chance to survive, like Andre Gorz and his Dorin, great mature love.