Why do we choose emotionally inaccessible partners

Why do we choose emotionally inaccessible partners

Those who dream of proximity pulls to those whom she scares. Furiously defending their independence attracts those who are constantly invading their personal space. It sounds not very logical, but it is laid in ourselves. What makes us fall in love with emotionally inaccessible partners and is there a chance to change it? Psychologist Kyle Benson says.

Affection is like a big alarming button in the brain. When life flows his guys, there is no need for. We scratch the kulichs, collect bouquets of leaves, playing catching. Or meet with friends, build plans, go to work and rejoice in every day.

But something bad happens: we fall and break the knee. School hooligan pushes us – and we drop lunch to the floor. The boss threatens dismissal. This negative experience generates anxiety and anxiety, and anxiety, in turn, activates our emergency button.

And it sends a signal: look for intimacy. We find those relationships that support us – or rather, what we think about ourselves. And in this paradox: affection, without which in childhood we would hardly have survived, begins to play with us a sore joke. If we evaluate yourself negatively, then the comforts find it in a relationship with those who appreciate us as well.

Three relationship strategies

The attachment that we experienced to the mother in childhood dictates us one of the three strategies in relations.

Healthy strategy (safe attachment)

According to research of psychologists, such a strategy is used by no more than 50%. Such people are easy to converge and communicate with others. Do not feel inconvenience when someone depends on them, and they themselves are not afraid to lose freedom. They perceive others and themselves positive. If a partner does not suit something in relations, always ready for dialogue.

Manipulative strategy (alarming attachment)

These people are looking for maximum proximity. Their ideal is a complete merger. Often worry that the partner does not like them enough, they are afraid to stay alone.

People of this type underestimate themselves and build others on the pedestal, do everything to justify the expectations of people meaningful for them. Unusually attained, constantly looking for external confirmation of their own value, because they themselves do not feel.

Strategy "Leave me alone!"(Avoiding type)

They feel uncomfortable in close relationships, do not like to depend on others and prefer so that no one depend on them too. Looking at your own experience, that proximity brings only suffering, seek independence and self-sufficiency.

Cybeans such people perceive superpositively, and the rest – negative. They seek to use the uncertainty of excessively attainable people to further strengthen in their superiority.

Who chooses whom and why

If you carefully examine three of these strategies – as once in school we read the condition of the task, it will become clear that all our further meetings and suffering are "task".

People with two last types of attachment pulls each other, although it is clear that their relationship is doomed to be destructive. More importantly, they will reject the partner until he changes a positive attitude towards them on which they are waiting for him.

And what are people with the first type of attachment? They are looking for people with the same healthy, safe type of attachment.

It would seem why it is impossible to meet the second or the third type with the first? Such meetings occur, but mutual attraction, interest capable of keeping them together, such people do not experience.

Why do we choose emotionally inaccessible partners

What to do? First of all, understand what type of your affection. This is the key to find and keeping relationships, if before you did not succeed. If you continue to meet "not with those", the main reason is still in you.

So, why do we fall in love with emotionally inaccessible partners?

Emotionally inaccessible people dominate the "dating market"

Such people are extremely independent, with success suppress their emotions, and therefore, it is easily able to cool down to their partner and complete relationships – and now they are again among those who are looking for their pair.

People with a safe type of attachment are not stuck in a series of long meetings and searches. Feeling the same "chemistry", they decide that the partner is suitable for them and configure long-term relationships. That is why they are the harder to find them – they rarely go to the dating market, and coming out, there are not long on it and immediately "settle" in new relations.

In addition, emotionally inaccessible people almost never meet with the same as they themselves: no one of them has the desire to emotionally invest in a relation.

If you fold all the elements of the puzzle together, it turns out that the probability of meeting an emotionally inaccessible partner is very high. At the same time, they do not tie relations with each other, because they need space and independence, do not meet with people with healthy safe affection, because such people in the market are not delayed for a long time – so who they attract? Alas, partners with anxious type of attachment that crave extremely proximity.

We find them very attractive

We often do not realize that the partners we are obsessed are those who can only strengthen our deep insecurity. These are our ideas about love attract special partners to us.

At the early stage of the relationship "Independent", the emotionally inaccessible partner sends mixed signals: calls, but not always, does not hide his sympathy, but it makes it clear that still in the search.

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