Why do we pull criticize friends and loved ones
Criticity has a devastating force. In order not to put the relationship at risk, it is important not to succumb to the emerging sometimes desire to wrap the flow of comments on friends. How to do it and why we like to criticize loved ones? Replies psychotherapist John Amodeo.
Researcher of family life John Gottman called the criticism by one of the "four riders of the Apocalypse" for a relationship. Criticism, along with other three other "horsemen" (protective aggression, contempt and ignoring), gradually destroys the trust and proximity of partners, the result is often mutual misfortune and divorce.
If we try to figure out than the desire is caused to criticize, we can strengthen relationships instead of sharing them.
We all sometimes tear away to criticism, lose their composure and express the surrounding all the bad things that we think about them. If someone offended us or did not do something that we wanted to accumulate discontent. As a result, instead of taking responsibility for their experiences, we sometimes want to wrap and shame others.
Find the cause
I do not urge to be ashamed to criticize, although some shame sometimes does not hurt. If we are too much to scold yourself for the criticism of others, I will start nervous more. As a result, most likely, we will criticize others even more actively, trying to discharge the internal tension.
It is quite possible, we will start to declare something in the spirit: "You’re wrong, you are bad, you always do something and never do that".
How does a person react if we criticize it as a person or put it "diagnosis"? Usually our words cause him or anger, or shame. I like a family therapist to see how spouses coming to me for a consultation often unconsciously cause aggression, fear or stupor instead of establishing safe and sincere communication.
Criticize the property of human nature. We can fight toxic criticism only when we figure it out with the reasons that cause it.
Find your hidden weaknesses
Instead of doing another painful criticism, we can create conditions for safe communication by sharing our experiences. Our internal sensations differ from criticism and condemnation that we pronounce loud. Often these experiences make your own vulnerability from which we are trying to defend.
Easy to blame others in aggressive protection. It is more difficult to understand when the same thing happens inside of ourselves. Such aggression means that we are trying to protect against unpleasant or hard experiences – pain, shame, fear.
Often if we do not notice and do not accept these feelings, then suppress them. As a result, we begin to condemn others or show them our contempt to feel our own superiority. So we transfer our painful experiences on others – expecting that they will bear the burden that can not. Protective aggression – an attempt to avoid responsibility for own feelings and behavior.
Think before you say
Adult approach to relationships implies liability. For example, always think before talking, especially if you want to say something offensive.
You will need patience, awareness and courage, so as not to say the first thing that will come to mind, but take a pause. Pause will help to look inside yourself and feel that you actually feel, even if these experiences are unpleasant to you. Here are some examples:
I want to say: "You are such an egoist! Always try to control everyone!"Inner feeling:" I hurt me, and I’m angry when you talk to me like that ".
I want to say: "You behave like a child. I’m not going to be to you mommy!"Inner feeling:" Sometimes I feel like a lonely and overloaded. I really need your help in home affairs and in the care of my daughter ".