Why do we take responsibility for parents

Why do we take responsibility for parents

For all rules of life, parents raise children and become support for them and support, and not vice versa. But sometimes everything falls down on his head, and we feel more adult than parents. We nurse with them, as with small children, putting the cross on their own life. Why it happens?

“My father drank a lot. At first, he hid it thoroughly, and we were small and did not really understand why dad behaves so strangely, walks, laughs the nefple and it smells unpleasant. Once, when I was 12 years old, he did not come home from work. Mom only waved his hand and evil said: “I’m tired, let him die”. Our city is though rather big, but I approximately knew the usual father’s route from work and ran to look for him. A few hours later I found it lying at the bus stop. I dragged his wolf to the house, then on the stairs. It was very hard.

And then mom said: “Since you love him so much, I myself have it with him.”. Gathered things and gone to live to a friend. And I became in my 12th year to overnight adult. I prepared food, I washed, cleaned, there was no money, and I began to work as a cleaning lady on the trading database – before school and evenings.

As I graduated from grade 9, I still do not understand, I didn’t go about anything higher education. Received in the medical school. Father last 5 years have a lot, although he no longer drank. And I was him and mother and housekeeper, and nurse. He was not when I was 24 years old, “38-year-old Natalia shares.

Sometimes, watching the helplessness of their parents, we seem to change with them in some places. Psychologists even invented a special term – guentified children. The word “guentix” comes from the English Parent – parent.

Despite the strange name, many know themselves in this definition. These are children of alcoholics, drug addicts and other dependent, patients, infantile parents. Watching their impotence, such boys and girls tell themselves that they will not give close to completely destroy themselves.

“They take on the functions of” parents “with their real parents,” says Family Psychotherapist Maria Dyachkova, “there is an unfair coup in the family system, since children are sure that they are not obliged and have no right to increase suffering experienced”.

Flove in childhood

Manifests guentix not only in childhood. Many people are well familiar with a stereotype stereotype, enshrined in the legislation that the growing children are obliged to take care of the elderly parents. “In the consciousness of many people, the idea that there was a burden of providing parents of hazardous old age and a happy life, especially when they retire, lose social activity and the usual circle of communication,” says psychotherapist. – In the scope of adult children’s responsibilities, the default financial concerns and emotional donation include.

The older generation is increasingly bringing grandchildren or inlate parents with them at home, providing a joint vacation, call dozens of times for the day, take on a lot of domestic hassle. Most exclaints: “And what’s wrong with that? So it should be, this is the norm of communication with the older generation. Really need to throw them on the mercy of fate?”

Indeed, this is the norm in our society. But what restrictions and personal difficulties impose a social norm, which has come often to the absurdity?

“There are deep motives in creating parents with parents as with children. As a rule, it happens in families who are experiencing difficult times: one of the parents is sick, drinks, depressed or cannot resolve financial problems. Sometimes it happens when parents are bred. Children deeply sympathize with both of them or one of them, try to heal their pain and loneliness, involuntarily becoming a patron, more adults in relation to someone from their relatives, “Psychologist believes.

Parents often themselves do not mind “fall into childhood”. “Such a state of affairs paralyzes the will and personal activity of parents. Instead of adequately to meet old age, the loss of the former activity and liveliness, survive this own crisis, take responsibility for your current life and its quality, they regress to the state of young children – explains the psychologist. – lose experience, wisdom and vitality, degrade physically and psychologically, becoming dependent on their own children. Own life, which is strongly injected into the life of children, however again, “.

In fact, helping the “old men” with one hand, we are another “stroke” them: they say, continue to be helpless. Of course, in this state they have many benefits. For example, do not face face to meet with such inexorable things as loneliness, wilting, aging, grief, unrealized dreams and plans.

Why do we take responsibility for parents

Not all mature and older parents choose such a way. “My father, who is now 82, despite his rheumatoid arthritis, never sits down in the subway. He says: While I can stand and walk, I will do it. And categorically refuses to move to us, believing that we should have their own life. Better, says you come to me, I will prepare you something delicious. He lives one for 8 years after the death of Mom, but declares that he is still too early to write off. I, of course, worry about him and visiting every weekend, but more proud of them, “48-year-old Andrei divides. Such an approach seems more responsible and healthy on both sides.

“Eric Ericson, who investigated age crises, wrote that the old age in which the integration of all life experience was integrated, was rich, and the old age in which the regression and rollback on previous positions occur, perverse, fear, feeling of guilt and lack of Decience, “says psychologist. And they have a lever of influence on their own offspring – all the same sense of guilt.

Fake role

“Mom often told me that she gave me all my life when” this bastard “threw us,” recalls 27-year-old Inna. – Mom lived my life – I went with me to gymnastics competitions, took public burden in the parent committee in my school. Worked on two works. Then my exams in school, arrival … it was all sake of me. The second husband did not appear. And I understand that she was hard. When I went to work and received the first salary, my mother seemed to be disconnected from meals. She immediately sloped with a bouquet of disease. And now everything that she did earlier for me, I will return her. Once I wanted to have a family and children, but now I understand that it is impossible. At least for mom in such a state.

Children who have become their parents are deeply unhappy. “On the one hand, the omnipotent position gives them a sense of control. All nutritional issues, entertainment, treatment, learning are taken under strict accounting. At the same time, their life is totally subordinated to the fake role: there are additional load on them from the point of view of finance, time, the number of converted cases. Many are not able to free themselves from the feeling of guilt and debt to parents. Quite often such “parenthood” does not give adult children to create their own family and give birth to children, because they already have a “twin” – Mom and Dad. And if you create your own family, then, as a rule, it is subordinated to the rhythm of the life of an old man: “You need to go to my mother, my mother must be called, it must be taken with us, she is also helpful to rest. “Counts Maria Dyachkova.

Almost adult

In Russia, a lot of families live under one roof with parents and children, that is, three generations together. They do not have a separate personal territory, interfere with each other’s affairs, distributing advice to the right and left, dictating their rules to growing children even in their personal relations.

Why do we take responsibility for parents
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