Why mom take care of himself?
"If someone would have taken to study the impact of the mother, truly loving himself, he could see that there is nothing more contributing to the child’s experience of love, joy and happiness than the love of his mother who loves himself".
When mom is born a child, it is endowed with an additional resource. Before that she had a resource for himself, to ensure its existence. And now an additional appears – for care for the child.
We can see it, for example, in how the maternal sleep is adjusted under the rhythm of the child’s sleep. As a mother without much damage to health sleeps with a superficial sleep and wakes up the same every hour and a half, as the baby to attach it to the chest. Dads, for example, with such a sleep rhythm accounts for much worse.
This resource, "issued" Mom at the birth of a child, is designed for 18 years. In the first year it is spent the biggest part of it, and then the child begins to gradually separate, and everything is less and less from mom.
But there are such mothers who are convinced that they should devote all of themselves to the child. Of course, they themselves come to this beautiful conviction, relatives and familiar, and even unfamiliar, unfortunately help them..
Instead of support, which young mother is so necessary, they get reproaches, accusations, morals.. All this is very sad, of course.. So, such a mother begins to devote himself, give and invest. Completely forgetting about yourself. What it leads – I will not tell in detail, all "dedicated all themselves" Moms and everyone knows.
And the very resource ends not after 18 years, but after a half or two years. At best – three. If mom is very volitional and strong, then she can hold and longer. She extends from the seat of the house, falls into depression, dreams of passing a child somewhere and break free, and sometimes begins and hateing this very child. Yes, it sounds scary, but it happens and often. Recognized in this much less often than it happens..
What to do to not happen?
And finally, Erich Fromm, from the quotes of which I started this letter:
"Maternal love is an unconditional approval of a child and his needs. This statement has two aspects: one is care and responsibility, absolutely necessary to preserve the child’s life and its growth. Another aspect goes beyond the limits of a simple saving of life. This is an installation that inspires the child love for life, which gives him to feel that it’s good to be alive, it’s good to be a small boy or a girl, to live well on this earth!
Two of these aspects of maternal love are concisely pronounced in a biblical story about the creation. God created the world and man. It matches simple care and approval of existence. But God went beyond this minimum requirement. Every day after the creation of nature – and man – God says: "It’s good". Maternal love at this second stage makes the child feel how to be born good; she inspires the child to love for life, and not only the desire to remain viable.
The same idea can be expressed by another biblical symbol. Land promised (Earth is always a maternal symbol) is described as "milk and honey". Milk is a symbol of the first aspect of love, care and approval. Honey symbolizes the joy of life, love for her, and happiness to be alive.
Most mothers are able to give "milk", But only the minority also gives "honey". To be able to give honey, mother should be not only a good mother, but also a happy man, and this goal is achieved by a few. The impact of the mother on the child can hardly be exaggerated. Maternal love for life is also infected as her anxiety. Both installations have a deep impact on the identity of the child as a whole: among children and adults you can allocate those who received only "milk", and those who got and "milk", and "honey"".
"The nature of non-physicality (a person who does not like herself not to give the egoist – m.G.) becomes especially obvious "Inesential" mother on her child. She is convinced that thanks to her ineistentness her child learns what it means to be loved, and will see what it means to love.
The result of its ineistentness However, does not at all correspond to its expectations. The child does not find the luck of a person who is convinced that he loves, he is disturbing, tense, afraid of maternal disapproval and fears that he will not be able to justify the expectations of the mother.
Usually, it is under the influence of hidden maternal hostility to life, which he rather feeling what clearly aware of, and in the end, he himself infects this hostility.
In general, the impact of a non-ethical mother is not too different from the effects of the mother egoist; But in fact, it is often even worse, because maternal ineisters keeps children from a critical attitude towards mother. They lie on them not to deceive her hopes; Under the mask virtues, they are teaching dislike for life. If someone would have taken to study the impact of the mother, truly loving himself, he could see that there is nothing more contributing to the child’s experience of love, joy and happiness than the love of his mother who loves himself".