Why mothers are worried about children more than fathers
Why the alarm becomes a regular companion of many, if not most mothers, whereas their husbands manage to keep calm? Punishment it or gift? This is thinking about this by the column on the website of The Guardian newspaper, signed by the pseudonym Lizzy Sharp.
I am a mother of two young people, one of which is still a teenager. My children work a lot, but also have fun on the whole coil. In London, this means that in the evening they can be in the club in Brixstone, then at a party in Packham, then on a party in Hisni and return home, most likely, in the morning.
I can not complain, they try to keep me up to date, and usually I go to bed, getting from the younger SCR type: "Let’s go back at 3, I love you". Nowadays, 3 nights means "no later".
That is, everything seems to be good. But not for me. Just not for me. I wonder that my children are reasonable people that they need independence that London is generally a relatively safe city that rapists and robbers among taxi drivers are practically not found, – but still it is very difficult for me to sleep until I hear the door lock click.
I leave me no anxiety, she permeates my dreams, and often I do not wash your eyes at all, scrolling in fantasies the most terrible scenarios. At the same time, my husband is quietly covered nearby, and in the next morning he and children enjoy Sunday breakfast, whereas I feel completely broken after a sleepless night.
Welcome to the Maternal Alarm World! I am not talking about stress now, about which clinical psychologists write scientific articles and which leads to serious problems in children. And not about those quite natural unrest, which is experiencing any normal parent, if a child gets sick or gives important exams. No, I’m talking about everyday, not so strong background anxiety caused by the dangers that we just imagine yourself and which manages our life.
My friendly doctor even asked if she did not happen to lose a child, – He could not understand why she worries so much because of the allergies on her sons. Another friend says that her 20-year-old daughter began to flip her medical card and ask her mother about her childhood diseases: "And this is what I had? And that’s?"- And he could not really remember, except her own terrible alarm.
One young mother recently told me with a hot: "I’m scary to be angry with myself. This relentless anxiety! Husband says – enough to worry, and I can’t do anything about it ".
It seems to me that such conversations occur almost exclusively in the female circle. This is a kind of universal language, understandable to women of any age, classes and nationalities. Such conversations are the type of dependence, some compensation, however, weak, for all our days and nights, filled with anxiety. They seem like old-fashioned. In the end, we live in the XXI century, which raised everything connected with gender and gender, including the body itself. And nevertheless, women still drag on themselves this emotional cargo, associated with family life, and execute himself for it.
My friend, a single mother, recalls how the emotional experiences were sharply different from them: "I got into the classic West: On the one hand, anxiety for children while I am at work, on the other – anxiety for work while I am with Children. And her husband at work was completely distracted from thoughts about children – his colleagues did not know that he was father!"
What to do with it and can it change? Psychotherapist and writer Graham Music (Graham Music) recognizes that this is not just just. "I don’t want to join the path of biological determinism and explain everything only by our nature," he says. – However, some studies indicate that there is a certain connection between the hormone oxytocin, which is produced in the body of a nursing mother, and the symptoms of the obsession ".
Really motherhood is a kind of obsessive compulsive disorder? Not too nice news. But the case is also in cultural standards, celebrates Graham Music: "In Western culture, it is recognized in natural that women may experience anxiety and anxiety, while men are protected (and defended) from anxiety in that they need to" be strong "and" solve problems ". Testosterone reduces anxiety and acts as a kind of antidepressant ".
Of course, occasionally there are anxious fathers. But as about the overwhelming majority of men endowed with natural antidepressants? Whether they solve family problems? Is it time to admit that this is still engaged in anxious mother? On the other hand, "Women although they are complaining, but not ready to give the palm of championship to sensitive men, – Graham Music believes. – And many of them love strong men. So everything is not so unequivocal ".
And even if we believe that it would be good for men to share our alarms with us, to change the rooted traditions are extremely difficult. We see this on the example of perennial debates about the division of household duties between men and women.
In the meantime, I finally say good word about disturbing parents. Their emotional inclusion is worthy of respect. Someone should always be alert so as not to confuse flu and meningitis to think over the whole plan of travel or preparation for exams in order to discern that the child contacted a bad company?